


Recovery

by khilari



Series: Feliks [2]
Category: Girl Genius
Genre: Gen, PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-11 21:37:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7908457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khilari/pseuds/khilari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Feliks was a wild Jäger, a volunteer to search for a new Heterodyne, until he was captured for study by a Spark. Now the new Heterodyne has found and rescued him. Trauma from years of torture and guilt at having been unable to protect the secrets of his own biology haunt him as he tries to return to life in Mechanicsburg.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Awakening

Feliks woke to his fur being brushed.

It was a familiar feeling. A hundred and fifty years ago his fur had come in and then kept coming in, so thick and plush he could stand in a rainstorm without any water reaching his skin. Water still hadn’t touched his skin when he went swimming, sliding into the river and finding himself dry, eyes seeing as easily as in air, ears and nose closed. Suspended, dreamlike.

Since then his fur had been brushed a thousand thousand times. Professional reasons, he needed to stay waterproof just as any Jäger needed to maintain their special skills. Decebal, tawny spotted hands wielding a comb — I’ll brush you but you have to brush me afterwards — had no such excuse for his preference for cleanliness. Just a sharp tongue and sharp claws for anyone who commented.

Decebal holding a teasel, claiming he was going to raid a shop for combs next town they passed, eyes narrowed with disgust at the inferior job it was doing. He’d complained about losing their combs, about the lack of alcohol, about having to sleep in trees for safety, about everything but the endless, echoing loneliness.

A woman, long ago in Mechanicsburg, hands carding through the fur on Feliks’ chest. ‘I never knew a Jäger could be so soft.’

‘Hy iz only soft on der outside, sveethot.’

Feliks was suspended in memories now, quiet and timeless, and he didn’t want to surface.

‘His fur’s so soft,’ said a voice, a woman’s voice like an echo. She sounded sad.

‘He voz almost as vain about it as Maxim iz about hiz hair,’ said Oggie. What was he doing here?

‘Hoy!’ Maxim’s voice was less surprising, where you found one you often found the other.

Worry rose through Feliks’ mind. This was a bad place. His brothers should not be here. ‘Nyuh.’ He twitched, hands clawing at fabric, one slow and weak with only two fingers moving.

‘Oh!’ A hand stroked over his head and a scent he’d been smelling all along suddenly wafted over him strongly enough to register. ‘Easy there. I’ve got you.’

She had him. Of course she had him. But there was nothing easy about it. Feliks wrenched his eyes open and threw himself sideways off the couch he was lying on to crumple to his knees at her feet.

‘Hyu!’ He couldn’t find the words for it, for the mingling of shame and adoration. She was beautiful. Her mother’s colouring and her father’s bearing and her grandfather’s fierce possessiveness — as if he was still something worth claiming. ‘They found hyu.’ Dimo standing by a control panel, watching with eyes like searchlights. Maxim fidgeting and Oggie grinning.

The Heterodyne’s cheek dimpled with her smile. ‘I found them.’ She reached down for his good hand. ‘I’m sorry it took me so long to find you.’

Feliks’ response was a choked whine, face buried in his hands.

‘Iz not hyu fault!’ Maxim said from behind him, fierce and abrupt.

‘Dot Spark iz dead anyvay,’ Dimo added, ever the practical one.

Feliks gulped a breath, Heterodyne scent nearly making him dizzy. ‘Hiz notes?’

‘Gone,’ said the Heterodyne, a stern note in her voice. She grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet. He stumbled, one of his feet nearly useless, and Oggie jumped forwards to take his weight. His brother and his Heterodyne steered him towards the window. They were on an airship, below them the labs where Feliks had spent so long were in flames. ‘Nothing is left,’ she said, arm around his ribs. ‘ _Nothing_.’

The fire was beautiful. Red and orange predominating, green, blue, purple and yellow appearing in sudden bursts within the inferno. Maybe it would burn fierce enough to reach the cellars, melt away the bars.

‘Vot…’ Feliks asked shakily. ‘Vot now?’

The Heterodyne pulled him closer against her, as fierce as any of her ancestors, but strangely tender. ‘Now we go home.’


	2. The Road Home

‘Eet… grew,’ Feliks said, staring out the window at Mechanicsburg below him. The Masters had always been adamant about keeping the town within the walls — no sprawling out onto the plains during times when no one was rash enough to attack — but if they had decided to expand this is not far from what he’d have expected. A new wall, equally strong, with labs radiating out from the old wall to the new, houses starting to fill the gaps between them. Except, of course, he hadn’t expected this at all.

‘It’s a long story,’ said the Heterodyne, sounding oddly resigned. ‘But the parts inside the Old Wall are the same as they always were.’

‘Mizz Agatha’s boyfriend built it,’ Oggie volunteered. ‘Dere used to be giant statues of her in nize dresses!’ The Heterodyne glared at him and he raised his hands, still grinning.

‘Hyu let hyu boyfriend add to the town?’ It makes Mechanicsburg seem alien, almost unwelcoming. Is there even a sneaky gate in this wall? And how long would it take to build? (How long was he there, where time blurred into darkness and pain?)

‘I didn’t _let_ him.’ The Heterodyne snorted. ‘I wasn’t available and he decided to build his capital around my town. It’s mine now.’

Old Mechanicsburg, when they flew over it, was the same as it had always been. At least the same as it had been those times Feliks’ returned while detached, for healing or to touch base (or with a body in his arms, battered and smelling from the journey, but Decebal should return to his home in the end). Tourists and townsfolk mingled in the streets. Then a group spilled out of a shop and he realised there were Jägers too.

The airship descended towards a huge building of cream stone. ‘Der hospital?’ Feliks asked.

‘Dot’s jest where the airship place is,’ Maxim said. ‘Ve go to Mamma’s, ov courze.’

Feliks reached a hand up to his chest, feeling the centre of the Y-incision there. Blades flashed across the inside of his eyes, the knife slicing into him and then the shears, clipping his bones as if they were errant branches. Gloved hands lifting out his ribs, dripping with blood.

‘Hey.’ There were hands on his shoulders, green eyes looking earnestly into his. ‘You okay?’

All the signs of what had been done to him were clear on his body. ‘Hy dun vant der Generals to see.’

‘Iz too late for dot!’ said Oggie, inappropriately bright. ‘Dimo gots promoted!’

‘Hyu dun gots to tell effryvun,’ Dimo snarled, smacking Oggie on the head.

‘We don’t have to go to Gkika’s,’ said the Heterodyne. ‘I thought… well, you need medical care. But we can go to the Castle.’ She bit her lip. ‘We’re going to need to get you some clothes before you go anywhere.’

Feliks had always been casual about clothes. Most of his missions involved water — he could fight on a battlefield just fine, but only a few other Jägers could infiltrate a city via underground rivers — getting dressed afterwards had been optional and often impractical. Right now, though, with his fur cut raggedly to different lengths where matting and knots had been cut out, nearly shaved in places, and with scars on display that hadn’t come from battle, the last thing he wanted was people looking at his naked body. ‘Dot… vould be good.’

Outside the window people were grabbing ropes, tugging the airship into its dock.

Oggie and Maxim were sent off for clothes. They brought Feliks a uniform not, thankfully, a hospital gown, and also a crutch. His bad hand and foot were both on the right, but with the crutch tucked under his arm and gripped mostly by his elbow he could walk. It felt good, to have that little bit of independence again.

The Doom Bell rang suddenly, a sound so loud and deep it was more felt than heard, ringing through Feliks’ body like _home_ and _terror_ and _you are the terror, the monster in the dark, nothing can hurt you, you do the hurting_.

The Heterodyne flung her head back and yelled, ‘That did not count as going abroad!’ at the sky and Feliks laughed, a single joyous bark. She dropped her head and stared at him in astonishment but, before he could apologise, she smiled and shook her head in resigned exasperation. ‘It’s knocked out the tourists again. I don’t know why they keep coming back.’

Around them people were approaching the tourists with wet cloths and vats of tea as if this was a well practiced ritual. Soon they were sitting up, sipping at their tea and being sold small bells to commemorate the occasion.

The sight of the Castle nearly knocked the breath out of Feliks. He’d seen it from the air and it had looked so exactly the way it always had that his eyes had passed right over it. But, no, it hadn’t always looked this way. It had for hundreds of years and it does now but in between it had been a ruin, parts of it slumped or sticking up in strange directions. Seeing it from the ground, from almost where he’d once stood having run outside on hearing the explosion, it was like seeing a resurrection.

‘Hyu feexed it.’ It had been shattered, broken worse than Feliks was now, and for the first time he felt hope for more than just an end to captivity. If she could fix the Castle, with its broken walls and broken mind and the memory of their failure to protect, she could fix anything.

‘Moved to tears by my majesty?’ asked a grating voice.

‘Oh, shot op.’ Feliks swiped quickly at his eyes. ‘Hy vos admiring der Heterodyne’s work, fixink a wreck like hyu.’

‘I’m good at fixing things,’ said the Heterodyne, and maybe she meant it to sound joking, or smug, but it came out filled with grim determination.


	3. Teeth

The bed Feliks had been lent was soft, but every time he laid down and closed his eyes he felt flagstones. The air smelled of the rotting flesh of dead monsters and his throat burned with thirst. The gag forced into his mouth over the broken stumps of his teeth let dry air into his parched mouth to torment him further. _Maybe he’ll forget me this time, maybe I’m dying. Maybe, if I’m very lucky, I’ll be dead before he remembers._

Feliks opened his eyes and sat up, the bed soft once again, the air smelling of the Castle’s old stone with overtones of lightning. He’d chosen to stay here rather than face his brothers, but he wished now he’d gone to Gkika’s or the Jägerhall. He reached into his mouth with his good hand, feeling past the stumps to the row of teeth folded against the roof of his mouth that would have come forward if the front ones had been properly knocked out. He closed his finger and thumb around one of the stumps and pulled.

It came free with a flash of pain and a feeling of relief. He spat blood and reached for the next.

Once there was a pile of broken teeth on the floor and none left in Feliks’ mouth he finally fell into an uneasy sleep.

He woke to someone pounding on his door. ‘Uh. Vun minute?’ he called, hoping it wasn’t the Heterodyne he was keeping waiting. He scrambled into trousers and shirt, muttering curses at having to do it one handed, and grabbed his crutch.

The moment he opened the door he found himself on the floor, nose to grin with the visitor now sitting on his chest. She was another Jäger, leathery skin a rippled pattern of light, luminous blue over black. Her facial features were delicate and her dark blue hair fell so straight that even having been hacked to shoulder length with a knife couldn’t stop it looking sleek. Large, pointed ears nearly hid the palm sized gills nestled behind the shell of them. Her uniform looked like she’d picked anything vaguely blue off of battlefields for the last hundred years and a new beret was perched jauntily on her head.

‘Maryana,’ Feliks said. ‘Hyu look vell.’

‘Hyu iz a mess.’ She leaned closer, the leather and vinegar smell of infrequently washed Jäger rolling over him. He breathed it in as if it could chase the nightmares away. ‘Vot heppened?’

He pushed her off with a palm to the face and sat up. ‘Dun vanna talk about it. How hyu know Hy vos alive?’

‘Ognian told effryvun,’ she said, sliding across the floor to push her shoulder against his arm. ‘Dot hyu vos beck und der Heterodyne vos gonna fix hyu. Hy tink mebbe General Dimo didn’t vant him to tell? But he deed. Hy vanted to see hyu but Walenty said vait. So Hy deed vait, Hy vaited _all night_ und now Hy am here. Hy missed hyu.’ She dropped her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. ‘Walenty is _no fon_.’

‘Mebbe hyu is sometimes too much fon,’ Feliks teased.

‘No soch ting.’ Maryana stuck her head in the air and had to grab her beret.

‘Vhere hyu get dot nize hat?’ Feliks asked.

‘Schmott mimes!’ Maryana exclaimed, beaming. ‘They tried to put uz in invisible boxes.’ There was more to it than that, of course, there always was when it was a hat story, and Feliks was laughing at the conclusion when Maryana added, ‘So what happened to hyu hat?’

Feliks’ hand flew to his head. The taste of greasy, filthy fabric filled his mouth, strands of fibre sliding down between his teeth as he pulled, the sound of ripping filling the dungeons. Something attacked, latching onto his arm painfully. He yelped, growled, clawed at it with the filed stubs of his claws, tried to shove his fingers in its eyes. It was gone and he heaved a few deep breaths, gradually remembering where he was. Maryana was standing against the far wall, palm pressed over her eye, and he realised she had bitten him. ‘Vot… vot vos _dot?_ He asked. ‘Ov all der _schtupid_ …’

Maryana shot him a sulky one-eyed glare. ‘Hyu vas too schtill. Hyu deedn’t hear me.’

‘Hyu _bit_ me.’

‘Hy could haff bit hyu vorse!’ Maryana opened her mouth wide and brought her pharyngeal jaws forward, the second set of teeth that let her bite people while biting them.

‘Ho yez, takink chunks out ov me vould definitely help.’

‘Oh shot op.’ Her ears folded over at the tips. ‘Hy panicked.’

Feliks wrapped an arm around his knees, anger receding and leaving something shaky in its place. ‘Iz hyu eye hokay?’

‘Oh, yah, iz just bruised.’ She took her hands away to show him. The white was red around her silver iris, but no real damage was done. ‘Hyu vant me to go?’

Having her here hadn’t exactly helped, but Feliks found he didn’t want her to leave. It felt good, having a sister nearby, and he’d missed her too. ‘No. Jest don’t ask questions.’

‘Hy ken do dot!’ She dropped back onto the floor next to him. ‘How about hyu ask the questions?’

Feliks grinned, then quickly closed his mouth, suddenly aware that all it displayed right now was bloody gums. ‘Ken Hy start with, vhyfore did the Heterodyne’s boyfriend build more town?’

‘Hoo boy.’ Maryana wriggled around, making herself comfortable against him. ‘Now dot iz a _story_.’


	4. Honour

Feliks’ next few days were, after a medical check up and grooming from his Heterodyne, spent lingering in the corridors of the Castle. He could feel the damn thing laughing at him. But he could also smell the Heterodyne nearby, so he lingered, close enough to sense her but not enough to bother her, slouching behind various statues and bits of armour with a mug of beer in his hand.

‘Hoy!’ It was Maxim, bouncing over to punch his shoulder and then leaning back against the statue in a pose too obviously calculated to look as gracefully at ease as he wanted it to. ‘How hyu doing?’

‘Doink better,’ Feliks said, slouching back further. ‘She says Hy am not dehy — dot thing where hyu body don’t have enough water, und recoverink from starvation. Soon be good enuff to be fixed.’

‘Dot iz good news.’

‘Mm.’ Feliks took another draught of his beer. ‘Hyu on duty or off?’

‘Oh, on.’ Maxim tilted his head in the direction of the faint, soothing humming. ‘But Hy ken hear if she vants me and she does not vant me in the lab.’

Feliks grinned. ‘Vot hyu break?’

‘Who says Hy break anyting? Maybe she just finds mine charm distracting.’

‘Vot charm?’

Maxim punched him again and Feliks managed to pull him down into a scuffle, ending with them sitting side by side and Maxim swiping his beer. It felt companionable, but uneasy. Feliks wasn’t sure how to feel about any of the three who had contributed to his rescue and were so clearly favourites of his Heterodyne. They’d been detached, like him, but tempered where he’d been broken. Successful in their impossible task and stronger for their experiences.

Maxim handed him his beer back after taking a swallow and said, ‘Hyu know, Hy tried to fix hyu hat.’ Feliks stiffened and Maxim pulled his own hat off, turning it in his hands. ‘Couldn’t do it.’

‘Iz hokay.’ Feliks could feel the fabric in his teeth, but the distant hum coiled around his drifting mind like an anchor rope.

Maxim shook his head. ‘Hyu giff up more den most for der House of Heterodyne und, Hy tink…’ He held his hat out, not quite meeting Feliks’ eyes, and it wasn’t technically _wrong_. A gift was fair, not as good as taking a hat in a fight, but not dishonourable, and the rules of Where You Could Get A Hat were taken variably seriously anyway.

Something red hot shot up Feliks’ spine, arching it, ragged fur standing up under his shirt. He shoved the hat aside with one hand, punching Maxim’s face with the other. It was the one that didn’t work properly, but the force of a punch didn’t come from _fingers_. ‘Hy don’t vant _pity_ ,’ he growled.

‘Iz not pity,’ Maxim yelped, trying to fend him off without hitting back. ‘Iz… iz justice. Vot heppened iz not fair!’

Maxim still wouldn’t fight back properly. Not against blunted claws and wasted muscles. Feliks growled. ‘No. Iz not. _And hyu ken’t fix it._ ’ He bowled himself forwards, trying to headbutt Maxim’s nose.

‘What are you two doing?’ said the Heterodyne. They both froze then carefully turned their heads to see her standing in the corridor looking stern with a huge wrench over her shoulder.

‘Sorry, Miztress,’ Feliks whispered, finding himself chorusing it with Maxim. He pressed himself back into the corner between the statue and the wall. She’d taken him back in, been patient with him, and now he’d made her angry.

She sighed. ‘Okay, you don’t need to look like that, I’m not that angry.’ She propped the wrench up against the wall and came over. ‘Maxim, go and wait in the lab. Don’t break anything.’

‘Yez, Miztress,’ Maxim said, standing up and grabbing his hat. He held it to his chest instead of putting it on and shot the Heterodyne a hangdog look before disappearing up the corridor.

The Heterodyne crouched down next to Feliks and put a hand on his shoulder. ‘What was that about?’

‘Nottink, Miztress,’ Feliks said, unwilling to explain.

‘I doubt that,’ she said. ‘That didn’t look like you were having fun.’

Feliks pulled even further into his corner, stone corners pinching at him. ‘He try to giff me his hat.’

‘Oh.’ The Heterodyne looked at the ceiling and then sighed. ‘Is that… not allowed? I know Jägers have rules about hats.’

‘Iz _allowed_. Iz just… not his problem.’

She was very quiet, humming softly as she thought. Feliks tipped his head closer, ears wide open to the sound. When she stopped he blinked as if waking up. ‘What if I gave you a hat?’ she said.

‘Hyu? Hy don’t deserve… Hyu should not be rewarding failure…’

‘They were hanging from a gallows when I met them,’ she said, fond exasperation in her voice layered over something that made it tremble. ‘Maxim, Dimo and Oggie. I rescued them, I suppose. Most of the Jägers don’t make the distinction, but Maxim still refers to _me_ finding _them_.’

‘Beink fair.’

She smiled at him. ‘ _I_ think you deserve a nice hat. Okay?’

‘Hokay.’ Feliks’ voice was very small. She hugged him, warm and Heterodyne scented, and even dropped a maternal kiss on his forehead before she left to find Maxim.


	5. Too Broken To Fix

Feliks was lying on a slab, arm limp at his side. There was a strip of fur shaved down to the skin around his wrist, showing the ugly scar circling it. It showed the other scars, too, the criss-cross claw scratches, but those had never been deep enough and weren’t what she was here to fix.

‘This should be fine,’ the Heterodyne said. ‘You’ve still got feeling and some movement. I’d be more worried about the fact that it was just sewn back on without any attempt to connect things back up if half the pack didn’t seem to consider that first aid, the number of Jägers I’ve done this for now…’ She didn’t say that he didn’t have feeling or movement in his foot. They both knew that. Feliks took quick, sharp breaths, pulling her into his lungs, reminding himself who she was, trying not to admit to himself that he couldn’t meet her eyes when they were flashing with the beginnings of fugue.

She lifted the scalpel and then… _Spark_ and _knife_ and _no, can’t let this happen, can’t stop this, NO_ … and she was on the floor, bleeding from three claw marks across her collar bones. Little flakes of skin stood up along the edges of the gashes, where he’d scraped as much as cut, they would have been a lot deeper if his claws weren’t still growing back. Her eyes were wide and shocked behind her glasses.

She stretched out a hand to him as if she might pat his shoulder, then jumped and shouted, ‘No!’ as the floor dissolved underneath him.

Feliks’ didn’t try to slow himself on the walls flashing by but the Castle was merciful enough — or maybe cruel enough — to drop him onto a stone floor instead of spikes.

‘She’s going to demand I give you back,’ the Castle said, its voice rumbling through Feliks’ jarred and bruised body.

Feliks sat up, jabbed two claws against the inside of his wrist. No blood. Claws grew back slow. Teeth, though. Teeth were fast. His new set had come forward in the few days since he’d pulled out the broken ones. Broken, covered with a gag, to prevent… escape. He put a wrist to his mouth now, digging teeth into either side of the vein.

‘Hrm,’ said the Castle, softly, echoing around him.

_Escape,_ whispered the rushing of his blood. Escape from having betrayed his Heterodyne, betrayed his oath. Escape from punishment, disappointment. But escape from an enemy was a duty. By any means necessary, anything to keep a live Jäger out of an enemy Spark’s hands. Escape from the Heterodyne was only another betrayal. Something warm and wet was pooling on his wrist, on the strip of shaved skin, and he thought he’d bitten before he intended to until he realised it was tears.

The floor lifted and he yanked his wrist away from his mouth fast, scrubbed his eyes on his sleeve.

The Heterodyne reached out to him again as soon as the floor clicked into place. She still had trails of blood staining her collar. Feliks shrank back into the corner. He couldn’t get to the door, she was blocking it, her hand was coming closer.

‘No! No, please, stay avay! Dun let me hurt hyu!’

‘It’s okay,’ she said, softly.

‘Iz not! Please, please stay avay.’ He was broken, so broken he’d hurt his Heterodyne. Too broken for even trying to fix him to be safe. ‘Please.’ He pressed his hands over his eyes and shut his ears the way he would underwater, as if refusing to be aware of her would be the same as her being gone. Being near her had felt so comforting up until now.

Someone pulled his hands away from his eyes and he struggled until he realised it wasn’t her. Opened his eyes and ears. Wondered how long he’d been curled up, senseless.

‘Mamma?’

Gkika’s hold on him wasn’t gentle, but her gaze was sympathetic. ‘Hyu iz comink vit me.’

Feliks shook his head. ‘Hy ken’t…’

Gkika snorted. ‘Hyu dun get a choice.’ She picked him up, draping him over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and grabbed his crutch off the floor with her free hand. ‘Hyu want to follow the Heterodyne around, dot is hokay. Ve all feel dot vay sometimes und hyu have a reason to be clingy.’ Feliks made a half-formed sound of protest and found himself jostled quiet. ‘But now hyu want to stay avay from her und hyu still von’t come near uz? Jägers iz not made to be alone. Zo, Hy am not lettink hyu crawl avay to die.’

Feliks flinched and then went limp, head bumping gently against her back as she strode through the Castle. She was right, if he couldn’t stand to be near his Heterodyne and couldn’t stand to be near other Jägers there was nowhere to go. Especially when the one he really couldn’t stand was himself.


	6. Other Jägers

Jägers were born in pain. It was a truth everyone knew and only other Jägers understood. Having your body pulled apart and put back together — feeling every warping bone, every muscle stretched past its limit, your insides rearranging themselves while you choked and gagged — wasn’t a test, just a necessity. If you couldn’t come out of that sane, you couldn’t be a Jäger. Afterwards, after you’d clawed your way through nightmares every one of your brothers shared, you were done with nightmares for good. _Nothing_ , no battlefield or wound or cage, could compare to the trauma that had made you.

At least, that was how it was meant to be.

Jägers were not made to be alone but, as Gkika shoved him into her bar by a hand fisted in the back of his shirt, Feliks felt as alone as he had outside. Faces, furred, scaled and bare, all smiled welcome at him. The scent of alcohol, sweat and blood hung in the air, along with the heat of active bodies. The grins around him felt like masks, the creatures behind them unknowable, and his fur bristled with cold.

‘Hoy, Feliks, is goot to see hyu!’ Ognian, sounding honestly and totally relieved, eyes soft above a determined smile.

_He knows,_ shot through Feliks’ head. One of the three would have been in earshot, he must know, so why this welcome? Gkika sighed when Feliks froze, picked him up again and carried him over to the bar to drop him on a stool. A moment later there was a glass of vodka in front of him. ‘Drink op,’ she said. He gulped it down and did the same with the refill. Maybe it would help.

‘Hoy,’ said the Jäger next to him. Mieszko, broad blue face dusted with scales. ‘Heard hyu vos alive again. Vos starting to wonder.’

Feliks laughed, hysteria shaking through his ribcage. ‘Hy’m not.’ He realised it as he said it.

‘Vy not?’ Ognian, too close. ‘Hyu is beck, ve is beck, efferyvun is alive again!’

‘Iz not…’ Feliks threw back another shot, burning in the back of his throat, but not getting him drunk _fast enough_. ‘Iz not a proper Jäger.’

Mieszko was starting to look panicked. ‘Ov course hyu is a proper Jäger, hyu did not break the troth.’

‘Hy DID,’ Feliks yelled and around him the sounds of the bar stopped, leaving him feeling like he was floating, dreaming. ‘Hy didn’t vant to! But Hy… Hy attacked the Heterodyne! Und before Hy couldn’t protect our secrets! Hy deedn’t mean to, but Hy… Hy should be…’ Punished, renounced, _something_ that acknowledged how unlike these Jägers he now was.

Gkika reached over the bar and tipped his chin up with her claws. ‘Hyu did not. Hyu did everyting hyu could.’

‘But it vasn’t enuff! _Hy_ vasn’t enuff!’ He pulled away sharply, leaving fur on her fingers, and stood up, clinging to the bar for balance. The whole room was looking at him, wall to wall faces, and the sense of them being masks returned. A barrier. They felt it too, wanting to approach him, knowing he was no longer part of their world. ‘Hy am dead. _She should haff burned me too._ ’

‘No, brudder,’ Ognian said, and his hand landed on Feliks’ shoulder. ‘Hyu iz _alive_.’

Someone else pushed through the crowd. A huge wall of a Jäger, mustard yellow with shark-scale skin and eyes that were blank gold or black depending on how they caught the light. A leather mask covered most of his face and he made up for it hiding his mouth by having a snarling mouth even wider than his own etched into it. He put a hand on Feliks’ other shoulder.

‘Walenty. Hyu vere here?’ Feliks asked.

Walenty nodded. ‘Hy thott hyu didn’t vant to see uz.’

‘Deedn’t,’ Feliks muttered. Walenty’s hand felt more real than Ognian’s or Gkika’s had, as if they were figments of this strange waking dream his life had become, but Walenty was reaching in. Other Jägers were getting closer and Feliks could see the concern in their faces now. He hated it, but they were no longer masks.

‘Vas wrong about vy,’ Walenty rumbled. ‘Thott hyu vas mad.’

‘Becawse hyu didn’t volunteer?’ Walenty nodded and Feliks realised the barrier was on both sides. Guilt. He went, they stayed. He failed, they didn’t try. He didn’t blame them, he did more harm than good letting himself fall into a Spark’s hands and accomplishing nothing, but they… ‘Ha.’ He tossed his head back, feeling unsteady. He couldn’t take this strange carefulness anymore. ‘Mebbe Hy should be mad. Mebbe…’ He wanted to cry, wanted to break down, wanted to just be a Jäger again. ‘Mebbe ven Hy haff a foot again Hy vill tek hyu hat. Hy need vun.’

Walenty stared at him, eyes gold, and then shifted his hand to the top of Feliks’ head and pressed down. ‘Hyu couldn’t reach.’

‘Ya, she vill haff to put springs in hyu new foot,’ someone called from the crowd.

‘Hy ken tek hyu mit _vun_ foot,’ Feliks called back, not even sure who had said it.

It was like a signal. Suddenly he was caught in a swirl of bodies, dragged to and fro across the bar like he was caught in a riptide. If the punches that landed on him were a little too gentle, if his hair was ruffled or he found himself pulled into a new brawl by an arm around his shoulder a little more often than was plausible for a real fight, it still felt good.

He ended the night stumbling back to the Jägerhall, one arm around Walenty and one around Costel, telling them a story about the time he and Decabel accidentally got trapped in a prince’s wine cellar.


	7. Aqua Squad

Feliks woke up, in a pile of Jägers who probably hadn’t really been too drunk to make it back to their own beds, to someone prodding his nose. ‘Mmph. Maryana, Hy iz sleepink,’ he muttered.

‘Den Hy need to poke harder to vake hyu op,’ she announced, fitting action to words.

‘Agh, agh, claw up mine nose!’ Feliks batted her hand away and opened his eyes. The realisation that he’d known instinctively both where he was and who was poking him (hadn’t thought he was in a cage or feared it might be a Spark) woke him the rest of the way and he wriggled out of the pile of his brothers until he fell out of bed at Maryana’s feet. He rolled over onto his back to look up at her. ‘Ken’t get up vitout mine crutch. So sad. Vill haff to go beck to sleep.’

‘Walenty, Hy tink Feliks needs hyu help,’ Maryana sang out. Eyes were opening in the pile on Feliks’ bed, but no one seemed inclined to do anything as Walenty strode in and picked Feliks up in a bridal carry.

‘Oh no, hyu put me down!’ Feliks twisted around, trying to slide between Walenty’s arms, and only found himself held tighter.

There were snickers from the pile. ‘Awww, dot’s right, hyu tek care of hyu baby brother, Walenty,’ Costel said.

‘Oh, Hy vill get hyu,’ Feliks muttered. Walenty was a head taller than him, at least twice as wide and two centuries older. His eyes were also crinkled up in the way that meant he was grinning smugly behind his mask.

Maryana led the way outside, openly cackling, and then handed Feliks his crutch as Walenty set him down. It had been _right outside the door_ where she could easily have brought it in, and she met Feliks’ glare with a bright grin until he gave up and laughed too.

‘Hyu got plans?’ he asked.

‘Thott svimmink,’ said Walenty.

Feliks pulled a face. ‘Vit this foot?’

‘Ve ken swim, hyu ken wade,’ said Maryana, wrapping an arm around his waist.

Feliks’ fur hadn’t come in enough to be waterproof yet, but getting wet wouldn’t hurt him. Water was something he missed — he hadn’t even been able to swim when he took the Jägerbrau, now being on dry land for so long felt unnatural. ‘Hokay, Hy iz in. Lead on.’

The Dyne was an unpredictable river, even the part of it that was nothing but water, careening over rocks and gushing down mountains. Even so it had its gentler parts. This stretch of it was broad and shallow, flat coppery rocks sticking up from it, trees overhanging its edge. It wasn’t really deep enough for any of them to swim, Walenty and Maryana would be hard pressed to get far enough underwater to use their gills.

Feliks sat down and pulled off his boots, unwrapping the bandage from his good foot. Bandage that wasn’t there to cover an injury but to hold his splayed toes in a good shape for walking on land. Now he stretched them and dug them into the hard earth beneath the trees.

Walenty pulled his own clothes off easily, displaying the long slits of gills between his ribs, but left his mask on. Along with the rest of his shark traits he had a sensitive nose and the mask always stayed. Maryana threw her clothes into a pile and dived in, smacking straight into the bottom in such shallow water and coming up shaking her head. Walenty laughed and she started lobbing pebbles at him.

It felt like home. They’d been a squad almost since Feliks had been made. Jägers with aquatic adaptations were rare, Jägers with gills rarer still — or rather, Jägers that survived having gills come in rather than asphyxiating, able to breath neither air nor water — so Feliks had been put with them to make up the Aqua Squad. He made up for not being able to breath underwater by swimming fast and holding his breath well.

Walenty was in the water, now, chasing after Maryana who, even in shallow water, could turn and dart through his fingers with remarkable agility. ‘Hyu komming?’ he asked.

Feliks pulled off his shirt exposing the Y-incision across his chest. He hoped it wouldn’t be visible one day, that his pelt would grow back close enough to cover it, but for now it was obvious. As he tugged his trousers off Maryana popped out of the water in front of him and put a hand in the centre of the Y.

‘He opened hyu op,’ she said.

‘Hyu knew dot.’ It crowded over Feliks. The memory, the blades, the mark of his failure. Exposed on a table, more exposed than any living thing should be, a hand plucking up loops of his guts to examine.

‘Hoy.’ Walenty picked up Maryana and threw her over his shoulder, back into the river.

Feliks breathed. Then he took Walenty’s hand and limped his way into the river.

The water wasn’t cold. It seemed like it should be, but unlike most rivers in the mountains this one did not contain snow melt. Feliks flopped down onto his stomach and then rolled onto his back to poke just his nose above the surface. Through the surface of the water the world was wavery crystal, sunlight and shadow. He could feel Maryana and Walenty through the movement of the water, not in any way precisely but enough to know they were there.

It felt like home.


	8. A Secret Shared

It was a few weeks before Feliks saw the Lady Heterodyne again. She called him to meet her in one of the rooms in the Castle that was definitely not a lab. Possibly a sitting room, Feliks was never sure which fancy furniture went in which kind of room, but there were chairs.

‘I’m sorry,’ was the first thing she said to him.

He stopped himself from whining. ‘Hyu don’t got to… Hy attacked hyu…’

‘It’s not your fault,’ she said, putting a hand on his arm. Her sincerity startled him, she radiated it like a lantern, like there was a flame of it behind her eyes. ‘I should have thought, I’m so used to Jägers… I mean, _of course_ you wouldn’t like a Spark cutting you open after…’

‘Hyu is a Heterodyne. Hyu ken do voteffer hyu want und Hy is not supposed to _mind_.’

‘It’s your body,’ she said, firmly. ‘I really think you _should_ mind what happens to it.’ She pushed him slightly towards a chair. ‘Sit down. We need to talk about what happens now.’

‘Hyu can strap me down,’ said Feliks, taking an armchair.

Her eyes went wide. ‘No! I’m not going to… that’s barbaric! I mean, if you really want me to, rather than waiting, I suppose, but I’m certainly not considering it as a first option.’ She paced across the floor back and forth, before taking a deep breath and sitting opposite him. ‘Anaesthesia has never really been tested on Jägers. Do you know what that is?’

‘Dot ting vhere you send pipple to sleep before cutting dem?’

‘Yes, that.’ She smiled slightly, strained at the edges. ‘Gil should be home… here… next week. I’ve asked him to bring his father’s notes.’

‘Der Baron had notes on Jägers?’ Feliks felt his lips draw back from his teeth and stopped himself raising his claws. They’d _let_ him? After all Feliks had done, after he’d hated himself for failing to hide information they _gave away?_

‘On C-gas, mostly. I think he tried it on every type of construct at least once. Although he did have some knowledge of Jäger biology, Gil himself —’ She stopped abruptly, as if she’d only just realised what she was saying and why he would mind. ‘Feliks…’

‘Dey _let_ him?’

‘I don’t think they could stop him.’ She looked so sad and guilty. Her eyes really did give everything away.

‘Ho yez. Vas dey in cages, now?’

‘They were doing the best they could.’ She stood up, towering over him. ‘They were only trying to survive and keep each other alive and none of you would be any use to me dead.’

Feliks closed his eyes and bowed his head. Protective, he thought. Of all of them. ‘Sorry.’

‘It’s all right.’ Her hand stroked his hair, but it wasn’t enough to stop his new grown fur bristling. He had things to say to the other Jägers.


	9. Trouble

Feliks threw open the door to the Jägerhall and growled. It took a while for this to make much impression on the Jägers chatting, drinking, brawling and knitting around the room, but his growl rose and fell in unfriendly harmonics and gradually they turned to face him.

‘Feliks?’ Maryana asked, slipping out of a tangle of brawlers. ‘Vot’s wrong?’

‘Vot iz _wrong?_ ’ Feliks asked. ‘Hyu… hyu gave avay sekrits Hy tried to die to protect!’ Her face crumpled, more puzzlement than guilt. ‘All ov hyu!’ he shouted, turning to the crowd of faces. ‘Der Baron _knows_. Our biology, how ve work! Hyu send me off to preserve our honour und _hyu_ liff well pretending hyu are not selling our sekrits!’

Now their faces were guilty, ears turning down or mouths drooping, eyes on the floor. Maryana turned away from him, looking for Walenty to handle the situation, but Walenty looked as distressed as the rest of them.

‘Vot?’ Feliks turned in the direction of the exclamation and was surprised to meet Maxim’s eyes.

‘Hyu deedn’t know either?’ He barked a laugh. ‘Hy guess they play all ov uz for fools, huh?’

‘Iz not like dot,’ Jurgis said, hound ears drooping. ‘Ve tried…’

‘Oh, very hard!’ Feliks said. ‘Hyu vas in cages, too, Hy guess.’ Someone whined and he turned in that direction with a snarl.

‘Vot did they do?’ Maxim stepped out of the crowd, head up. Ognian was hesitating nearby, more upset than angry.

‘Der Baron’s _son_ iz part Jäger. Der Baron may haff _notes_.’

A snarl from the crowd and Vitaliy pushed forward, Dumitru swiftly following from another part of the room. Feliks remembered Castle Wulfenbach moving out of sight, carrying the rest of the pack away. Vitaliy howling, Dumitru with his teeth clenched so he wouldn’t. Both of them turned to face down the pack now. _Allies_.

‘Enuff.’ Dimo’s gruff tone carried.

Maxim turned to him. ‘But, he sez…’

‘Iz true,’ Dimo said. ‘Vos der Generals’ decision. Vos nottink else to be done. Generals haff to tek care of the pack.’

‘Ho, yez. Hy feel _verra_ tekken care ov,’ Feliks snarled. ‘Hyu, all ov hyu, iz… iz cowards und traitors.’

‘Enuff.’ Dimo grabbed Feliks’ good arm. Vitaliy roared and charged into Dimo, head lowered, and all of them fell. Feliks snarled and thrashed, ready for it to become a free-for-all fight, but no one else attacked. The room, unnaturally for a room full of Jägers, was silent. Ognian stepped forward to pull Vitaliy off Dimo and a reproachful look from him was all it took for Maxim to do the same, teeth still bared as if he was waiting for a fight. Dimo pulled Feliks outside and the others followed.

Outside the air was cooler and smelled of meat and hops from nearby butchers and brewers. Feliks hissed a breath and shivered.

‘Hyu _knew_ ,’ Maxim said to Dimo.

‘Not until aftervards,’ said Dimo. ‘It haff to be done. No sense beink upset now.’

Maxim’s growl was lost under Vitaliy’s.

‘Did not _haff_ to be done,’ said Dumitru from the doorway. ‘Hyu voz not effen a General at the time, und now hyu tok like dey is right. Dey used hyu too.’

‘Hy dun blame anyvun for doink vot dey must.’ Dimo let go of Feliks and Feliks fell back against the wall of the Jägerhall, rough brick only vaguely felt through his fur. He got his crutch under him as Dimo approached Dumitru. ‘Der volunteers did vot ve did to let the pack survive.’

‘Dey deedn’t need uz!’ Vitaliy shouted. ‘If honour means nottink, sendink uz vas pointless!’ He swiped at Dimo with a clawed hand and Dimo calmly dodged before punching him hard in the chest. Vitaliy gasped in a breath, then snarled with it. This time, when he dived forward, Dimo dodged, and soon they were a snarling mass of fur, teeth and claws on the ground.

It ended with Dimo standing over Vitaliy, one foot on his neck.

‘Trobble?’ said a voice from the shadows and a moment later Jenka had stepped into view, lavender eyes alight.

‘Jest asserting mine authority,’ said Dimo.

‘Jenka!’ Ognian sounded delighted. ‘Der Baron know about Jäger bee-ol-ogy und Feliks iz mad! Und now efferyvun iz…’ He shot a look at the still silent Jägerhall.

‘He haff a right to be mad,’ Maxim muttered, arms folded.

Jenka took in the scene and shook her head. ‘Trobble und not der goot kind,’ she confirmed to herself. ‘Ve gonna need to separate out any more ov hyu wild ones?’

Separate… ‘Hyu iz kicking me out?’ Feliks demanded, voice high with outrage and the beginning of panic.

‘Ov course not,’ said Jenka.

But they were, weren’t they? Separating him out because he’d upset the pack? Because he didn’t fit in now and it wasn’t his _fault_ , they were the ones who…

Feliks dropped his crutch, he’d be faster on hands and foot, and gave in to the overwhelming urge to get _away_.


	10. Lost and Found

The sound of pursuit drove Feliks faster. Running like this was awkward but not, he realised with a confused surge of triumph, as hard as he expected. Like a lot of Jägers he had slightly elongated arms — someone looking at him would think _ape_ before they noticed the more subtle mutations that were _otter_ — and with his hands curled into fists he could run easily on even the damaged one. Still, they were gaining.

He ducked through alleys, bowled over someone carrying a basket of bread without stopping, drawn mindlessly by a scent he couldn’t place until he was plunging over the high banks and straight into the Dyne. The scent of water, fresh and clear, abruptly cut off as his nose closed instinctively. Water, still rapid from its gushing descent from the Castle, dragged him down.

Feliks couldn’t swim, here it mattered that his fingers were all but unusable and his foot only a dead weight. He didn’t navigate the Dyne so much as fight it, dragging himself up sharp edged rocks to snatch a breath even as they tried to gut him. Slamming his hands into larger rocks before they broke his head. It seemed to last forever. It felt like a nightmare and it felt _good_. So much restless, angry energy, so much pain and fear. If anything could take it it was the Dyne. He’d fought that river for his life once, welcomed what it did to him even as he refused to be destroyed, _he could fight it again_. It was winning, every breath harder to grasp, he was dragging hands and feet along its bed more often than touching its surface.

Something brushed his face as he managed to kick and claw himself to the surface and he clamped his teeth into it hard, breathing in strained gasps through his flaring nose.

Willow. The dangling branches of a willow. He tangled his claws into the greenery, mouth full of sap, and eyed it. From this angle the long, drooping stems seemed to go on forever. Could he climb? Would it bear his weight? Maybe… if he managed to hold enough of them at once…

He dragged himself, gripping with mouth and claws and knees, from the water and, torn willow stems falling around him, finally into the sturdier branches of the tree. Alive. Giddily triumphant at saving himself from his predicament.

…So, so tired.

He’d slept in trees while away from the pack. It was habit to nestle into the fork in the branches, distribute his weight as best he could. Sleep came easy.

Feliks woke to the grey light of early dawn. He could hear birds yelling at one another to go away, this was their territory, while those not modified made do with singing. He peered out of the tree. Below him, smoking a pipe with a mug of beer beside him, was the Spymaster. Higgs, he called himself these days.

‘Can you get down from there?’ he asked.

‘Ov course. Hy got up,’ Feliks said, nettled. He half climbed, half slid down, landing jarringly on the ground and speckling the undergrowth with blood. ‘Vy iz hyu here?’

‘Mostly ‘cause I’m the only one calm enough.’ Higgs said, taking a drag on his pipe. ‘They couldn’t find any tracks leaving the water, took most of the night to realise you weren’t dead. Maryana and Walenty tried to search the whole Dyne, they were miles downstream before they got called back.’

Feliks sat down with his back to the willow, knees drawn up to his chest, and shot Higgs a sullen look.

‘You’ve really got the pack wound up,’ Higgs continued. ‘And right before young Wulfenbach’s due home, too. Better hope no one tries taking it out on him.’

Feliks scoffed. ‘He’s dot scary?’

‘Not half as scary as the Lady will be if anyone lays a claw on him.’

That was enough to make Feliks look down. If the Jägers upset their Heterodyne… he hadn’t meant to start something like that. ‘They vill obey her,’ he muttered.

‘You didn’t,’ said Higgs. ‘Kid, I know you’re hurting, but you’ve gotta think.’

Feliks curled himself up tighter and hissed. ‘Der _Baron_ …’

‘He got hold of dead bodies and he didn’t take notes,’ said Higgs. ‘I made sure.’

Dead bodies… still bad. Not as bad. After all, wasn’t that what Feliks had tried to do (to be) to thwart the Spark that had him? ‘Hiz son…’

‘Is like a baby Heterodyne and a baby Jäger rolled into one and trying to save a continent. Can’t tell what’s Spark, what’s Jäger adaptations and what’s a bunch of odd training. He’s not letting people study him, though.’ Higgs stretched, cracking his knuckles. ‘I’m glad to be done babysitting him, but whatever his father did to him it won’t come back to bite us. Except now you’ve got half the pack panicking about it.’

Feliks growled, guilty and glad at once, because it was _their fault_ , they should feel bad. Why should _he_ be the one hurting? ‘Serves dem right.’

Higgs got to his feet. ‘Come on, let’s get you back to the Castle.’

‘Hyu iz keeping me away from der pack,’ Feliks accused.

‘If you’re going to cause more of a mess then we don’t have much choice.’ He held out a hand. ‘Come on.’

‘They haff been liffing all cushy mit der Baron,’ Feliks said, pulling away from the outstretched hand. ‘Dey ken take a few hard words.’

Higgs leant back against a tree as if he had all the time in the world. Feliks had to look up at him now and hated it, but he was too stubborn to stand.

‘Hmph. Everyone’s shaken up, not sure whether they did the right thing —’

‘ _Deedn’t._ ’

‘— or what they should do now. They look up to you, you could show a bit of mercy.’

‘Dey _vot?_ ’

‘Come on. We need to get back. Or Miss Agatha will be coming to find us.’

Higgs held out his hand again and Feliks took it.


End file.
